thou shall not covet

lately ive been really caught up in everything that ive been doing this summer
i love spop more than i could ever explain in words...the program and people ive meet through it have taught me so much that i could never fully explain just how much i appreciate it..
at the same time it is a huge time commitment and i feel that because of all the effort and time ive put into it, ive neglected a huge part of me
usually i write very vague journal entries so that most people would not understand what im referring to but tonight i want to be very straight forward

i feel like something that has been present in the past couple months has been wanting and yearning
always wanting something or desireing another
it wasnt that my needs werent met it was me always hopeing for more
always wanting.

wanting more out of an experience
wanting someone
wanting a perceived outcome
wanting things to be easy
wanting this
wanting that

greed.
selfishness.
to covet.

my old roommates and i were driving to vegas this weekend
and along the way there were all these signs about loving God and there were a series of signs that told of the 10 commandments
one said..'thou shall not covet'
when i read it i just kept repeating that phrase over and over again
i havent been to church in a long time and i really miss it
not being at church makes me sad but i dont necessarily feel more or less apart from God just from not being there
i know He is always there
i have been feeling apart from my spiritual side though
as i read that sign i had a revelation
i always say this but things happen for a reason
He has a plan for us
everything we do is a part of what He has in store for us
i remember so many sermons in the past that ive been to talking about relinquishing control
letting go of believeing that we have control over what goes on
and before i used to think be extremely skeptical about it but once i accepted faith i slowly begun to understand
but even now im still learning and still growing
i realize that this huge yearning and wanting i had for all these different things was another form of trying to have control
He will give me what i need
His plan is the only one

i feel like such a fool for being so selfish
for always constantly wanting

im so amazingly blessed
ive been given so much
i have a family who has taught me so much about life - has raised me in a way that allowed me to be receptive to differences of others
i have the most amazing and supportive older brother...hes one of my big inspirations..his love and support is so genuine and unconditional even in my loneliest moments i know he would be there to turn to
i have been given the opportunity to interact and create friendships with so many incredible individuals..been given the opportunity to love and be loved by these individuals..to gain, to give, to grow from these people
ive been able to have such mind blowing experiences these past years
even with something like spop i find myself so blessed with such an incredible team of staffers as well as a supportive and loving family
i could go on forever about all the blessings ive been given...not to say that all my life has been fun and flowers..there have been tons of ups and downs
but im grateful that ive been able to learn from the downs
that ive been able to grow and learn from them
that ive been able to get past them and accept the things that have happened
to keep moving forward
to keep the goal in mind
to keep my purpose for Him in mind

i kept wanting all these different things
even knowing how good i had it
that sign opened my eyes
slapped me in the face and asked why i kept trying to look away from His intention

He shows me the beauty in the world, but it is not for me to covet or necessarily keep for myself
He both gives and takes for a reason
i trust fully in that reason



what good is it to gain the whole world
but lose your soul?
what good is it to make a sweet sound
but remain proud?
in view of God's mercy, I offer my all

and take my life, let it be everything, all of me
here i am, use me for Your glory
in everything i say and do, let my life honor You
here i am living for Your glory

the road im on leads nowhere without You
and the life I live that finds meaning in surrender
in view of God's mercy, I offer my all

seeking first the Kingdom of my Lord