balance

i think one of the hardest things for me is finding balance
i constantly am in limbo between being detatched and then engulfed
i just want stability


in other news i came to a realization the other day
i think my perspective on things were greatly altered because of past events
and i still think im working through what those things did to me
even now thinking about it makes me tear up
i think i've been reckless and spiteful
the meaning of things that were once important changed
maybe its a part of growing up
maybe its a cover up
we shouldnt hate but i despise you, i resent you, most of the time you make me sick and i have no faith or trust in you
yet at the same time i want your approval, i want your attention, i want your affection, i want your acceptance
i measure myself by your standards
part of me is disgusted by you but more of me is disgusted by myself for the feelings ive incubated about you and about myself
i dont want to acknowledge these feelings..they're awful but they're real

through struggle theres light
we're finding love everywhere
love exists
i never knew you but now i do
i see you in my mind
and feel you with my heart
you give me such comfort
the feeling lingers
hold me close for just a bit longer please



im not perfect but im this that and this
my hands are dirty but im this that and this
youve been searching for this that and this
lets break the surface and make a little happy mess