breaking in new shoes

its about accomodation
its about getting used to the fit
the challenge to stretch the boundaries
but what if you stretch too much
what if you ruin this brand new pair
what if your feet hurt so bad you have to take the shoes off
what if the shoe just isnt the right size?

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i've been ruminating about being a returner quite frequently these days
it's always in the back of my head and i dont really know why its become such a preoccupation for me
the first quarter back there was no pressure to think about it people would occasionally ask about reapplying but not much it was more about what we were each doing
come winter quarter it was a buzz of topic...whos going to apply, when their interview time was, what theyre going to wear and then onto who did and didnt get it, and the embarassment; honestly when i think about it i dont know how i am more or less qualified than anyone else who applied..and honestly i think a lot of amazing people who could have done amazing things as a returner were not given the opportunity to do so.
i do feel embarassed when i tell other people i got it because half of me is worried that they're judging me thinking 'why did she get it and not that other person'. and i try to stay as positive as i can about it, to be as confident and proud and excited as i can but in my heart im so worried, stressed and scared.
which brings us to the current state, the calm before the storm. the first returner meeting is sunday and i really wanted to blog first to just think about all my feelings (they said come prepared with suggestions for training and ready to talk about fears/excitement/etc)

i never did spop myself - i was one of those kids in the dorms that sat out of the conversation when everyone was chattering about their spop and how great it was
(the conversation usually went as follows:
new person: which spop did you go to!?
me: i didnt do spop, i did mini spop
new person: oh was it like spop?? what'd you do?
me: nothing, it was like this half day thing...it was a waste of time
new person: oh...
and i kind of just tuned about what everyone else was saying about it because i just associated it with the terrible time i had at mini spop)

i applied my 2nd year not really knowing what it was - really just applying to apply to things, my heart wasnt in it (it wasnt really wasnt in anything except how much i missed allen) - needless to say i did not get it and i was kind of upset (not that i had much experience on the UCI campus nor was i in love with it the way i am now) because hey when is rejection ever fun right?

then 3rd year rolls around and i happen to be working at the CSA during this mesa court involvement fair - i needed to set up a table for the CSA but i had so much stuff my director told me to go to DOS because one of my friends was heading over soon. she suggested he could probably help me bring some of the stuff over so i headed over there. turns out my friend had a pretty big box to carry too; however, mike knox (co-director for new student programs) happened to be heading over there too and since he only had a small stack of flyers he offered to help. as we walked over we got to talking about spop and he was saying how i should apply, i replied with my usual story of how i got rejected from spop etc etc and he encouraged me to just apply again.

when i look back on it i dont really know why i applied for spop when i did, maybe it was from all the good things i heard about it - but in any case i did. the interview rolled around and i was nervous but it was more nervous of an interview not of what spop was/is. i left it with no expectations (hey i got rejected once, being rejected again cant be that bad right). when i got it i had no expectations. when i went into the first training i had no expecations. but wow was i blown away from everything that happened after that point onward

it was really a blur of excitement, energy, positivity, stress, opinions, changes, ups and downs all wrapped into a neat little time span of about 5 months.
i still remember the first day of training when everyone was screaming with excitement and i just stood there shocked, confused, excited and just started screaming too all while thinking 'what did i get myself into?'
i still remember our closing...how surreal it felt...how everyone was joking around but i cried because i couldnt believe it was already over...how i started tearing up when i realized it was the last time we were going to search for where our name buttons were on the floor
i still remember the all nighters with spoppers, the frusterations shared with other staffers, the celebrations of the good and support during the bad

i really dont know when spop began to consume me the way it has (and im embarassed to admit it because i really hate when people make spop their universe - i hope that i dont come off that way or that i become that way) but in a way i see how incredible the program can be, how amazing and inspiring other people can be (in both their perfections and their flaws)

as we count down the days to the first meeting...im filled with expectations
i feel so pressured, that so many other people have such incredible expectations about me, about returners, about the program
im afraid the new staff wont like me, or i wont fit in
or my family will be distant or i wont work well with my husband
i want to take this trepidation, this fear, this worry and put that energy into something productive to turn it into what fuels this challenge
it was so easy last year to just sit back and just have the summer happen - the good and the bad. i want to be the kind of person who doesnt just reflect on these things but put these reflections, thoughts and opinions into actions and conversations that will influence and encourage others
i guess its not just within the realm of spop but in my own life...to be the one who doesnt just think 'i should use more green friendly products' 'i should do some volunteer work' 'i should say something to him/her' 'i should do something'
i dont want to just think about those things! i want to take the courage and push myself to be the one to DO them
i want to impact these spoppers!
i want to inspire these staffers (first years and returners)!
i want to be an influence in this program!
yeah im scared, so scared sometimes it even crosses my mind of backing out of this position, but im also so excited - i really hope i can have a positive impact, hope i can "drop some mad knowledge" on these staffers...hope i can just be there, be present and be able to step up to the challenge

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in other news my grades are complete crap (im barely hanging on to staying above a 3.0 and when i say barely i really mean BARELY, imagine someone drowning and their nose is just peaking out of the water...yeah thats me)

sometimes i feel so lonely - not that im not surrounded by the most amazing people in terms of friends and family - but my roommate was telling me about another friend how he was saying how sometimes his friends arent enough to distract him from how lonely he feels without someone. i guess i cant completely relate because i dont think of my friends as a distraction but i can understand that loneliness that friends and family cant replace. sometimes i do still think about him, sometimes i look around and think these other guys are nothing to me - they just cant compare to you, sometimes i do want to just cave in and call him, sometimes i want to just send him a text or e-mail saying i love you and i miss you, sometimes i feel like im just waiting for him to come back so we can be together again. but i wont call him. i wont take him back. i wont give in. something hes showed me is how resilient people can be, how resilient my own heart can be..and i dont want to regress again. i feel like im ready to love completely now...this waiting period for someone to love just sucks

i feel engulfed by my own personal sin (whether anyone else judges it as sin or not i just feel like i know im doing something bad and i feel ashamed to admit it but i feel addicted to these sins)
lately ive been feeling really apart from God, or that i keep pushing Him into the shadows or to the side...

i feel like im so lost in trying to be a good daughter, sister, Christian, student, friend, person
its like...at moments i feel im completely put together, i have my head on straight, i know what i want and im working towards my goals - then at other moments i look at my life and i just think im a balloon that's exploded...the air is gone and you just cant put it back together again..im just so far from where i want to be

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i know that i need to just take it one step at a time
one new shoe at a time